Anxiety and Depression

Hi, assalamualaikum!
I'm finally back writing on blog again after almost two years of hiatus.
Currently, pursuing myself to obtain first degree in Computer Science in USM.
Just finished my first year and struggling for final exam.

Ever since I got myself over here, I noticed myself had been too far different from before.
I prefer myself to be alone,
I prefer myself to be introvert,
I know no one would read my blog.
I write it because I want to. Because I know if I tell anyone nobody listens, nobody understands except Him.

I only have my best friend. She is the one who listens to my depression.
Yes I am depressed.
I am not sad, I am depressed.
I think about Ive been embrassing myself in front of people (though I wasnt)
I think about I never been a good friend of anyone.
I think about I never been good for anyone.
I think about I am guilty and blaming myself for everything

I prefer to hide and isolate myself from meeting new people.
I even feel like everyone dont like me at their best.

I dont know why i feel this way.
I am depressed, i feel anxious for nothing,
Allahu, help me ya Allah.
You are the one that I can rely on.
please help me Allah.

Busy

Maaflah dah tahun akhir.
Nak tulis kat blog tapi malas.
Malas nak menaip.
Malas.
Cuma nak cepat habis diploma.
Lepas tu, berdoa kat Dia agar mempermudahkan segalanya.
Sebab 8 weeks to go.

Yang Ada

Baru aku tahu ,
Tak semua memahami dirimu ,
Tak semua ada denganmu,
Tak semua mahu selami diri dengamu.

Semua.
Ketahuilah yang ada setia , selami , memahami dirimu adalah Dia.
Lebih dari cukup.
Doa , usaha , tawakal dan yakin denganNya.

Ada Dia ,
Tak sekali engkau terluka.
Tak sekali engkau terbabas kerana dunia.

Hati , semoga engkau kuat menyelami liku-liku kehidupan sendirian bersamaNya,
Sampailah engkau bertemu titik habis hidupmu.
Janji denganku , untuk kuat sentiasa.
Kalau mahu menangis , rebah didepanNya.
Bukan di umat manusia .

Terkilan.
Terkilan hati ini.
Aku tahu aku tak punya apa .
Aku bukanlah yang pertama.
Tapi , aku bukan suka-suka dengan keputusanku.

Forgiveness

Assalamualaikum w.b.t!

Errrrmmmmm , how should I start?
How should I give introduction?

Here ,

"Show forgiveness, speak for justice and avoid ignorant"

Surah Al-A'raf, Ayat 199.

Forgiveness is incredibly powerful . I can't deny it . Here's my 2 cent about the definition of forgiveness, Forgiveness means when you have to deny and letting go your right/ power to punish people and you just let it to Allah to hold it than keep the blame on his or her. 

Do you know what's the power when you forgive someone or ask someone's forgiveness?

You feel the peace. 

All you have to do --

Lower down your ego. Don't put it too high , it should be adequately moderate okay?

Hey love , it's no harm when you forgive someone , it's doesn't give you any fatality if you asking someone's forgiveness right ?

But people these days , love their ego more than asking forgiveness or even forgive people.

My darling , do you think you never hurts people ? 

If you think so , you should know , the most and only perfect is our Creator , Allah S.W.T.

Yes , we make mistakes. We make mistakes without deliberation or intention but sometimes we deliberately  do wrong to others .

Pernah dengar tak quotes ni

" to err is human , to forgive is divine"?

Where we are human , who make mistakes continuously , without even realized.

Absolutely , we are constantly in need of forgiveness.

Islam taught us to forgive and to ask forgiveness.

We in need of forgiveness for Allah and also human whom we constantly offend their feelings.

Because we do wrong to both ,

Kalau keras jugak untuk memaafkan orang ,

Think for a while ,

Who do you think you are ?

Who are you to not forgive people who isn't always perfect ? even you.

You don't know how many mistakes you've done to Him.

It might be trillion times.

But still , Allah is always ready to forgive you when you ask His forgiveness.

Dengan Allah pun nak ego , payah tu. Your soul absolutely need food , love.

Istighfar , jangan keras hati sayang.

Even our Prophet , Muhammad S.A.W(PBUH) forgive his ummah eventhough ade je yang menentang dia , because of what ? Dia sayang umat dia yang teramat sangat .

Dia sayang sampaikan kita ni , umat yang terawal dihisab nanti kelak .

Jadi kenapa mahu ego ? 

Rugi tau tak maafkan orang , dendam kesumat nanti membuku dalam dada.

Calm won't hit your heart at all .

Same goes orang yang dah tahu buat salah but they don't want to ask forgiveness.

Love , kalau tak salah pun , mintak maaf. 

Jangan fikir ego sayang, Ego tak bawak kemana .

Gunalah ego bila perlu. Bukan motor skuter ego tu.

Penampar jepun laju-laju karang kan. Hahah.

So , sayang-sayangku .

Belajarlah memaafkan orang dan minta maaf dekat orang.

Before you sleep , forgive people.

Clean your heart by forgiving people.

It gives you no harm.

Indeed , Allah loves you.

Still counting

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

I am very seldom or tbh I am very lazy to update my blog.
But this time aku update sebab aku nak cerita pasal someone.
Someone yang bernama Nurul Balqis. Tbh , jarang aku nak cerita pasal orang.
Selain, Umairah dengan Nadhirah. What can I say bout Balqis ( or sometimes I call her Aqish(Manje lah konon :P)) , she is one of my bestfriend.
Nampak macam tak rapat, tapi rapat sebenarnya . Rapat dia tu tak boleh describe.
Kalau dapat bersembang, hushushsuh , semua isu semasa keluar.

Allahu , terima kasih tak terucap kat Allah sebab dah pertemukan aku dengan dia.
Kami sekolah sama since Form 1 . Tapi tak pernah tahu kewujudan dia.
Kewujudan orang lain pun , aku tak pernah tahu! Hahah :P
Aku kenal dia masa Form 3. Tapi memang tak rapat langsung kot.
Tetiba dapat tahu , her dad is one of my dad's aquatainces. Aku rasa semua orang kawan ayah -.- (Ayat nyampah) because my dad is overly-friendly. Banyak cakap seperti aku .
Gelak*

Aku rapat dengan dia masa Form 4 sebabbbbb sebabbbbb ?
Kami tuition private sama-sama dengan Dr Zura to be. :)
Lepastu dia pindah rumah dekat sangat dengan rumah aku,
Obviously , rumah dia sangat gah dari rumah aku . The best memory yang pernah ada kat rumah dia along with our classmates was having our jamuan akhir tahun at her house . Masa form five .
Pilih2 nak hotel, last last rumah dia jadi mangsa! Haha.

Oh okay , back to the episode , lepas tu , aku selalu tumpang dia .
Sampai kekadang aku malas nak pergi tuition sebab aku malu nak tumpang dia.
Jadi , ayah jadi mangsa la kalau tak pergi bowling.
Sebab rumah aku memang jauh dari rumah Zura kalau nak tuition .

Apa yang aku boleh katakan , Balqis ni suci gila otak dia. I mean she is very naive!
Eh ko pehal , kalau aku tahu ada sapa nak take her for granted , memang aku sepak.
Sebab ada benda yang dia taktahu tapi orang lain tahu.
I mean kalau orang lain taktahu , dia pun taktahu juga.
Itu istimewanya Balqis. Hahah.
Tapi since dah masuk degree ni , she is wayyy better.
Tapi masih dikategorikanlah suci otak dia.

I have uncountable memory with her. Banyak sangat. Kalau boleh nak masuk gambar dia masa zaman muda-muda (kami tak tua lagi k) , tapi dulu phone aku kena format , gambar sekolah semua hilang,
Sayang kan?

Balqis , satu aku nak pesan .
Aku rasa aku tak pernah cakap kat ko yang aku sayang ko.
Hopefully friendship kita till jannah (alongside with Nurin too)
Sayang korang dua sangat sangat,
Sama macam aku sayang Umairah dengan Nadhirah :')

Eh sebenarnya banyak aku nak pesan.
Keep your words, and hadam pesanan aku dengan Nurin ,
Jangan bercinta kalau tak ready untuk terluka.
Sebab pedihh wooooo .
Aku pernah rasa sekali .
Sekali je .
Secondtime heartbroken dia someone tu aku tak rasa pedih pun.
I mean aku tak rasa apa . Tetibe aku rasa hebat.
Sebab aku kalau sayang someone tu , memang aku sayang.
Tapi mungkin this time , aku sayang biasa-biasa kot tak macam yang first dulu?
dan aku ada cerita kat kau kan pasal ehem , well I hope dia ultimate yang last aku suka.
Sebab aku dah bosan dah nak cintan cintun. Tak ada masa.
Nak kahwin pun dah malas.
Opppsss we are just macam nak turning into aunties!
Eh pehal  cerita pasal aku. Pasal ko la balqis.
Tapi kalau ko nak rasa pedih tu , rasa la! Hahahah.

Dah , kau belajar je rajin-rajin.
Dah ada duit , dah ready nak pikul tanggungjawab then at that time carilah bakal zauj kau.
Skarang kau dah degree Computer Engineering beb!
Kau dapatkan gelaran IR k!
Sayang ko ! muah